He has a plan

There is a reason
they tell me
Why things happen
and why they won't

There is a being
they tell me
who'll help them
if they themselves don't

When things get bad
they assure me
it's a punishment
and a vigil they must stand

When they reach out
crying for me
they pull me under
with them to the sand.

Far and Wide

You've disappeared somewhere inside
and I've been searching
far and wide

Laying here alone
arm stretched out across my forehead
tear ducts dry
veins all bled

If I had you here before me
I'd drink you up like wine

If I had you here next to me
I'd breathe you in like ocean air

and the gray skies are like
some old friend
that follows me around
to the bitter end
to no end

Out there somewhere

I'm sending part of me out...
staring into the sky tonight
cigarette in hand, looking straight up
embers and the stars equally bright


Will I be getting that part back?


I don't know where it's going
streaking across the black evening
I only know it came from down low in the middle
It was a melancholy that I'd been feeling.


Is it going away?


the night's soul broadcast is over
no deposit and no return
so this night I sent out my soul and my heart
that no one's claimed, and no one's earned


and tomorrow night, I'll do it again.

I Thought

I thought I was tough
'til I got my teeth knocked out

I thought I was confident
'til she showed me doubt

I thought I knew it all
'til someone asked me to open my mouth

I thought I had resistance
'til I saw her pout

I felt the need to shout
now I whimper

It's something to see
when someone's not what they're cracked up to be

something to see

Self-destruct

A hopeless romantic
overly dramatic
reaching for the sun
while holding the roots of a tree

afraid to run
scared to leap
toe in the water
with the neighbor's daughter
instead of the girl down the street

closing all my doors
from the inside
getting off the roller coaster
though I'm tall enough to ride

because it's safety
that I'm searching for
while trying to make my dreams come true

it's preventing a mess
while my art is coming through

You can't have one
and the other
It's like trying to breathe
while you smother

It's not concrete

I've always seen myself through someone else's eyes All compliments I've received I've taken them in as lies I've felt myself a failure at everything that I've tried 

 All of my relationships have ended one way or another goodbyes *************************************** 

 Your fingernails are in my hair 

It feels like a falsehood too

 You lying underneath me now 

and also somehow seems untrue 

 You've wrapped yourself around me 

tight and wet just like glue 

 I wake up from this dream and that itself is nothing new *

************************************* 

 I start my day as I begin to dress 

 whether or not I finish it is anybody's guess

next level

somehow we just missed 

didn't quite line up right 

 we liked the same 

we felt the same 

but the love sideswiped as it passed 

 When the heart's stopped beating 

and my lungs no longer labor 

I'll be searching for you 

 on the next level 

 even if I'm uncertain what I'm looking for 

please look for my eyes 

please look for my eyes 

 I'll reach out my hands for you 

waiting in the ether 

after the mortal coil's been shuffled off 

 we can try to make it line up right this time 

please look for my eyes 

and I'll keep my hands up 

 until you've made it through

Glow

My hatred's iridescent 

you can spot me in the dark 

 If I look at you long enough 

you can be sure I'll leave a mark 

 I'm a torch I'm a vice 

I've erased so much inside 

that you could call nice 

 a hand from out of the dark 

stroking the side of my face 

a fist full of sheet and a heart full of grace 

 If I look at you look enough 

you can be sure I've lost my taste

 I'm a tool 

I'm a wheel 

I've destroyed my own desire to feel

Goodbye

They're begging me to say goodbye
I won't do it, I won't even try
If I say it, it will come true
and that'll be the last I see of you

Father, forgive me for keeping it in
I'm just a boy, it can be no sin
everyone's flying around the house
ambulance will be here any second now......

.........
I'll give you that kiss on the cheek
It carries no seven letter finality
.........


Father, as the sirens faded away
I didn't see you the rest of the day
the phone call came just before dusk
turns out saying goodbye was probably a must....

Disconnected

I see a group of people after the bell rings 

I guess you'd call them friends 

I'm not comfortable with that word 

it's just a means to an end 

 and I cock my head like a dog 

and wonder what I'm looking at 

 I see hands entertwined and kisses goodbye 

deep looks of adoration behind both their eyes 

 and I cock my head like a dog 

and wonder what I'm looking at 

 I see a man with his kids and a ball 

down at the local park 

twenty years and graduation gowns 

and I'm sitting in the dark 

 and I cock my head like a dog 

and wonder what I'm looking at

burn

I've never burned this deep inside 

I've never burned this hot for real 

I can cover it with a lie 

try and pretend it's not a big deal 

 but then I'm locked up with myself 

and there's no one that scares me more

 I've threatened to take myself to hell 

and my body's started to wash up on the shore 

 There's no book that I can give you to read 

No chalkboard scrawling so you can understand 

that some nothing would be better than this something and there's not a damn thing bitter about the end starting to resent the things keeping me here 

blocking the doorway to the easy way out 

day by day they feel less and less dear 

casting more shadows on my doubt.

carry

I'm carrying a weight that's heavy and awkward 

and at this rate I won't be moving onward 

 I've learned that I've got nowhere to take this 

and I've run completely out of ways to fake this 

 I've missed the places and things 

that are as sweet as honey 

and I can no longer laugh 

because nothing's funny

 anymore.

Slowly petrifying

I'd be lying
if I were to say
that checking out
didn't cross my mind at least once a day

and I can't breathe
and I can't see
if I don't
have you lying here next to me

and I can't think
and I can't feel
if everyone
seems to think it's no big deal

so I'm looking
to the sky
for answers
to the how, when, and why

and they're not
coming anytime soon
I can stare up there
until the rise of the moon

yeah, maybe
I brought this on myself
sometimes shit falls
from above as you reach for the top shelf

yeah, maybe
somehow
I'm finding out
who I was isn't who I am now

going through motions
I sleep walk
focused on you,
but I'm inside, in deep thought

slowly building a wall
four corners around me
too much foundation
to ever fall

so now I'm saying goodbye
you may see me smile
but it's not real
behind my eyes

I may still
talk to you
but my heart ain't it
and hell, neither are you

safe to say

as the leaves start to turn 

water making things rust 

it's safe to say I've never been 

viewed with a combination of admiration and lust 

 A Harvest Moon she's beginning to rise and 

I've never managed to catch her eye 

it's safe to say as day piles upon day 

I've never been looked at in that way 

 No, I'm not bitter not even a touch mad 

perhaps a bit heartsick a little bit sad 

I have no doubts that I'm missing out on something 

I should have had 

 I've no element of danger no reason for mistrust 

wings of light in mid-flight responsibility or bust 

 I'm going to fall from on high do it or die 

hate me if you must

No guts

watched her walk by again

did she look at me this time?

No eyes

didn't see it if she did

what would my name sound like with her voice?



No, she's too old for me

she's too smart for me

No, she's too much for me

and if not, I'll never know



No guts

sat next to her once

she even asked my name

don't remember what I said

No ears

everything she says is drowned by thought

of what a fool I'll sound like in response



No, she's too pretty for me

she's too much like perfect

No, she's got another on her mind

and if not, I'll never know



So I walk away with questions

that have nothing to do with her

they're all about my misconceptions

and my damn fear of her

As A Child

She made roses out of air horns
and understood the pen came long before the keys

She found wisdom in the eyes of newborns
Just knew nothing lay beyond what the eye could see

She thought as a child
distance never looked at in miles
and if I could only buy her outlook
maybe life wouldn't be so full of trials

She found the tree growing in the scrapyard
and laughed with children until they were hushed

She pointed with glee at the sky until the last star
running an hour late, the woman wouldn't be rushed

She thought as a child
looked for color and flash, not style
and if I could only take her picture
I would enlarge and frame her smile

She thought as a child

static head

My soapbox is made of balsa wood
my pedestal's a rental
the megaphone don't work worth a shit
and my hesitation is all mental

I look at you
apprehension pulling so true
got a small window to run through

I love you.

Wish I could have bit back
as soon as it came out
like a word written in erasable ink
it cannot be rubbed out

I search for some kind of clue
desire pulling me into you
heat and impulse dragging me through

I want you

Next morning staring at the ceiling
devoid of the lust, empty of feeling
wondering what just happened here
while you sleep, i feel your breath on my ear.

I'm looking for a reason for what I did
irritation pulling me toward the door
anger and confusion offering more

I left you

Nightmare Season

The sun rises
like a spark on an open wound

I'm stirring sugar into my hurt...

I'm sick of getting my answers
from vending machines

and why are mirrors so goddamned mean?

I pray for rain
for it's different from today

who we were, what we did
I wonder where it went

If I chased it down
would it make it harder to forget?

and Nightmare Season hasn't even started yet....

No, Nightmare season hasn't even started yet.

Never Been

I've never been an answer man
not too good working with my hands
haven't been that guy to catch a glance
or catch someone's fall where I stand

sat and watched as the moments drifted on by
always wondering, never asking
why they weren't mine

I scream at myself until my ears bleed
I point my finger in the mirror
at no one else but me

The reflection looks real
but it's all a lie
twisted, backward version of the truth

Me, Myself and I

Good Enough

Is there a moment
during the dying of the flame
when holding hands
no longer comes into play?

Is there a bell that rings
a striking of a clock perhaps
when a head can no longer
find purchase in a lap?

I didn't see a flash
in her beautiful eyes
when I was still inside
that said it won't be this good again,
it'll never feel this way again

When did I stop being good enough
when did this quit being real?
When did I stop being good enough
because I still burn and I still feel.....

Baby

Used to keep you in my jacket
to shelter you from the wind
Now I sneak into your room
to watch you sleep
and pray you won't turn out like me

Like the time I jumped the fence
because you ran into the deep end
I'm prepared to jump it again
I'd trade what's left of my life
for your future to not be like my past

Always tried to prepare you
by remembering the mistakes I made
while trying not to scare you
I look up at you now for you're taller than me
But it'll always be my baby boy I see

Background

I was the boy


that didn't have any roots


wasn't from anywhere


no return address or proof




I wanted to be dangerous


wanted to be mysterious


thought of as strange


came off as furious



trying to catch an eye


without being "that guy"


I found it almost impossible


to avoiding telling a lie



she won't look over here


she won't know my name


why am I so insecure


why does she drive me insane?



Because I've no stories to tell


no frilly past to share


never been to the liberty bell


never smelled a hotdog in times square



and there's no fighting chance


competing with the other guys


they've got familiarity


they've got pretty eyes



so I go it alone


ten speed windy nights


rain washes back my hair


eyes lit by street lights

Ah Via Fortuna

I placed my bets and lost again

keep backing the wrong horse

Lady Luck crept out of the bed

she's nothing but a cheap whore



The chips I've had since I was a boy

long lost before I became a man

my poker face slapped and destroyed

by a woman with a flash hand



black cards in her fingers fanned

diamond eyes flashed as I ran



Does Duchess Fate have love for me?

does she kiss as the wind speaks?

or will she claw my back until it bleeds

Laughing hard as the claret seeps?



Madame Fortune, when do I turn the tide

Or do the scales keep leaning your way?

Bad Idea making luck your bride

Win or lose, the bitch makes you pay



from now til your dying day

she sweeps up your ashes and blows them away

woman

Breathing some air

into this day

Love's so heavy

only God knows

what it weighs



It's almost impossible

to carry around

you're incomplete

til you find a place

to put it down



Oh, I can see you

But I can tell you've gone away

woman, where'd you fly off to today?



You're sitting before me

But I can tell something's not quite right

woman, where'd you go to tonight?



It's so painfully obvious

rock hard truth right now

You're lying beside me

but you've left me anyhow

hooked

She felt like velvet, and tasted chocolate smooth
Following her down the rabbit hole might make me a fool
But beautiful pain is caused by her every move
For her I'd gladly rewrite and break every rule

Don't question, don't ask
if I'm thinking straight
Just leave me, just let me
drown in her fucking wake

Running my hands through her hair
feeling sparks of iniquity
standing close to her neck
is like smelling eternity

and you question, you wonder
why I've given in again today
Just leave me, just let me
Burn down and ash away....

Waiting

Walking with my head down against the cold, breath trapped by the wind otherwise.

Collar up, thinking of you, where I should go, and what I'm going to do

Waiting for a phone call that never comes, checking the light on my cell by the minute,


and it doesn't change, things don't rearrange, and I'm exhausted by it all

looking for the key to my smile, feeling my pockets and not knowing why

because motion is a thing to do, and a substitute for what to be


For when you're lost on your feet, you reach inside for a reason and a rhyme


Walking with my guard up against what may be, apprehensiveness puts some people off

Lord knows I don't mean it, pushing away those I wish to keep beside me

for my unsure personage doesn't know if I am capable of taking hold of them forever


and it doesn't change, this fear will not wane, and I'm frustrated by it all

looking for the door to release, feeling for my soul and not knowing why

because self-inspection is a thing to do, and a mechanism for what to see

Ah Via Nocturna

Twisted and warped are the people I know 

 combined and dessicated are the places I go 

 someone explain to me why it feels so real 

 laughing until I vomit onto my last meal 

 Science Fiction Nightmares and pornographic dreams somehow, some way they both end in screams 

 someone explain to me why it feels so real 

 crying until I giggle into the razor's steel 

 It's getting so I don't want to go to bed 

 because of who and what awaits me in my head 

 They lure me in smiles playing on my urges 

 as the clothes come off that shotgun emerges 

 I cannot find peace because of what lives

 in the dancing shadows behind my eyelids

Reflection

I can make you smile

while I'm gritting my teeth til they break

I hate my name

unless it's on someone else

when my glass heart breaks

is it like a tree falling in the forest?



I can't see

what others see

what other say

I've never believed



I'm not the one

I'm not at all.

Falling Short

Every wedding has a shotgun

every corner has a ghost

on the outside I appear alive

middle in is all compost



watching my feet for I fear the eyes

I give as much as is taken away

travelling on an empty tank

every sunset erases a day



because there are magnets all around me

and I am metal from a scrap heap

what's coming off and out's astounding

every hole empties, no matter how deep



and every corner has a ghost

every woman walks away

and every garden seeds it's weeds

every resource falls short of need



I don't have anything left to bleed

nothing left to share today

my chain is missing it's most important key

still too many bills to pay.

Differences

used to wear my heart on my sleeve

til it fell off onto my shoes

creates a bloody mess

but now I'm walking away with feeling...



broke up for musical differences

I wrote poetry

you wrote songs

could have collaborated on a sonnett

but it takes too goddamn long



Sorry I changed your lyrics

Sorry I changed your mind

Sorry that saying Sorry

doesn't mean anything this time



So I feel we should just

agree to disagree

say what you gotta say

and I'll file it away

pull it out, on down the road

on some crimson rainy day



and use it to wipe the smile off your face....

Unwise

And she was only just 15

and for some reason completely wrapped up in me

and I should have known better than

to tempt fate, hormones, and the powers that be

but there was something in those eyes

that told me that I wasn't just another guy

and I should have known better than

to toss caution to the wind and let it fly



when someone makes you feel real

valid, strong, virile, and full of appeal

it's tough to resist common sense

and not joint the devil's hand in a deal

but there was something in those eyes

that made me feel it was worth at least a try

and I should have known better than

let my spirit rise up and soar so high



because she was unrealistic

felt like she was older than she really was

and I was strong and resisted

through short breaths, shaking hands, and an adrenaline buzz



time passed, and she was never around

telephone call came and she let me down

funny thing being the older one

left feeling like a cheap knockoff carnival clown